Until he didn’t chekk me out again

He must have died. That’s literally the only excuse. Either that or he’s gay.

I thought I was going to be Canadian. I’d spend Month #13 in Vancouver and fall in love with a wedding photographer and live happily ever after. How wrong I was.

I hate being wrong. I hate losing. I hate being the sad reject who doesn’t get a text back.

I like being right, I like winning, and I have to be the person who decides to not text back.

It does not work the other way around. Except when it does and I’m left wondering where I could have been so wrong and what I could have done differently to change the outcome.

So here I am a few weeks after my amazing date with the Canadian in Prague, wondering why he never responded to me and then realizing how sad it is that he must have died.  I realize that this is v harsh (and obviously not the case) and probably bad karma for me to say, but I just don’t think I imagined how great our date was. So why wouldn’t he have responded?  I messaged him on the app that we met on (Bumble) the next day wishing him a safe flight home and was constantly checking the app for the next 24 hours. Did it get delivered? Is my app broken? Did our match expire now that he’s on a new continent? And then he responded, and as you recall from my last blog post, I said that “all was right with the world again.”

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We had a conversation going for a day or two and then I wanted to move the conversation off of the Bumble app. It feels silly to keep talking on an app so I simply gave him my WhatsApp number and told him that would work better. And then… nothing. No answer, no WhatsApp message, and me feeling rejected. I re-read my message about 11 times, making sure that I gave him the right number and yes of course I gave him the right number.

Which then made me realize a whole new realm of ideas and the reality of my world-wide search for love, and just how hard it actually is.  When I was living in NYC and going on dates, the challenge there was not finding time to see each other for second or third dates.  Truthfully, it was hard to find time for first dates and I have so many people who I had full blown online text relationships with who I never actually met #penpals  I could go on a great date, really enjoy his company and then between my busy schedule and his, there was never enough time to get together and eventually the texts would fade and we would never see each other again.  I would assume that if I really liked him (and vice-versa) we would make time for each other but I was hardly willing to compromise my own time for someone else’s schedule.

Dating in NYC is a challenge, and that challenge continues internationally but in a different way.  Meeting people on the road is a great way to learn about a new culture, discover places you wouldn’t find otherwise and who knows? You could have a real connection with them and find a way to continue it. I was recently told about my friend’s sister who met a Danish guy while backpacking in Cambodia and now they live in Copenhagen together with a puppy.  It can happen, but it takes a lot of work from both people (I’ll be in Cambodia in January, I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for a similar situation).

Going on dates is one of my favorite hobbies (obviously) and getting attention and texts from boys makes me happy. And I have recently realized it shouldn’t give me as much self-validation as it does. I can be a strong, independent woman and then as soon as I don’t get a text back or a second date, it leaves me wondering why he didn’t think I was pretty, why he didn’t enjoy my company, and why he didn’t want to see me again.  This is self-destructive and doesn’t do me one bit of good to have those negative thoughts in my mind.  Why should I care as much as I do?  Why should I have to rely on a guy’s attention to feel good about myself?

This is something that I think a lot of women struggle with. We spend time picking out our outfits, doing our hair and makeup (although my mascara skills suck), changing our outfits three times all while drinking a glass of wine to calm the pre-date nerves.  This still holds true to dates as a “digital nomad” with the exception of changing our outfits 3+ times because let’s face it, we have about 4 outfits that would be suitable for a date and usually they’re all in the dirty clothes pile.

I’d like to think that the obvious part of the reason why I am not seeing guys again for a second or third date is because I’m constantly on the move.  I’ve lived in nine places across three continents so far in 2016 (typing that out just made me gasp) and it isn’t slowing down any time soon. By the end of this year, I will have lived in NYC, Darien, Córdoba, Buenos Aires, La Paz, Cusco, London, Prague, Belgrade, Split, Kuala Lumpur and Chiang Mai – 12 cities, 4 continents. I can hardly keep up with that, so how would I expect anyone else to?

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no position to even begin to complain about my current situation in life.  I am living most people’s dreams, my own included, and have loved thinking about the possibility of love abroad.  It’s tough to have (or to think you have) a connection with someone, only to move to a new city, not have time to keep in touch and then ultimately have them fall off the radar.  But who knows if that’s always the case, or just what I’ve seen so far in my traveling. I’ve met so many interesting people but maybe just haven’t found one who’s stuck yet, despite the potential distances that will come about from my remote lifestyle. But I’m not losing faith, I still have a long road ahead and am excited for what’s (/who’s) ahead ❤

And in the meantime, I’ll continue living my dream just the way I want, without the validation of anyone else, especially a boy over an app called Bumble.

 

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15 thoughts on “Until he didn’t chekk me out again

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