You’ll Never Know

**Guest Post by Kelli Lampkin**

This is a transcript of a piece performed for The Moth on National Public Radio in Boston May 2016

I recently went on a tinder date with a failed VH1 reality dating show contestant. 

It started out with a little harmless swiping, one thing led to another, and next thing I know a cute 30 something accountant wants to meet for drinks in back bay.

We go to Joe’s American bar, classic, simple, sports bar. I get to the bar a little early and see a handsome stranger standing alone, I introduce myself… he is not my date, but very friendly. The hostesses mercilessly laugh at me knowing I’m on a blind date. My date does come a few minutes later. I tell him that I mistook him for someone else earlier and he asks who was better looking. I reply “you’ll never know.”

He takes me straight to the bar, I get a fancy girly martini with something like lavender in it, he gets a corona light and insists this is his favorite beer. Saying Corona light is your favorite beer is the equivalent of a basic bitch saying PSL is her favorite coffee. 

Despite his basic-ness, conversation is decent though he has the thickest Boston accent I have ever heard, and he’s distracted by a game playing on the TV behind me. 

We have a few rounds of drinks, then as we are about to leave the waiter starts shouting like he recognizes him, I assume this is just his usual date spot and the waiter knows him. 

I then learn that my date was on a reality dating show on VH1 created by rapper Flavaflav a couple years ago called I love New York. I have never seen this show so obviously didn’t recognize him. Also I mistook him for a complete stranger, not 2 hours earlier, so I insist that he paid the waiter to say hi, he of course denies this and insists that he is famous. New York by the way in the context of this show, if you also have not seen it, is not referring to the big apple the city but a big apple bottomed voluptuous black woman that men compete to date, but I think she is still single… so not really sure how the show works except to make sure you can never work in corporate America again. 

Before this new information I was 50/50 on going home w him, but now- I have to go home with him right? For you guys, for the story! 

We go back to his place and he wants to watch TV, he turns on the Republican primary debates… yup nothing like Trump and Jeb fighting about building a wall or a moat or whatever between us and Mexico to get you in the mood. As this absurd debate is playing out, he looks me in the eyes, gestures towards his junk, and says the 5 magic words a girl waits her whole life to hear- “You wanna play with it?”

I’m once again at a cross roads here. Most of my life decisions are based on what would make a better story. Did I get this former reality star off during the republican primary debate? You’ll never know. 

The next day I of course text my girlfriends and one of my friends sends me a link to a “where are they now article” from the show’s contestants. In the article it says that since the show, he has been out of the limelight, except to create his youtube channel on sex and relationship advice….

I don’t know if you have had the opportunity to go out with someone and then find a youtube channel where they give relationship and sex advice that you can watch, and share with your girlfriends, and mock on national public radio, but I have. 

He produced some surprisingly high production value “how to” videos with titles including- “how to masturbate in your dorm room”, “how to pick up a girl at a bar”, “how to give a girl a lap dance” (my personal favorite in which he dances for 2 blow up dolls complete with break away pants and a man thong), and the most shocking “how to get lucky on a first date”- which to my shame he used on me to an exact formula. 

So I’ll share these tips with you now. 

  1. always go to a bar, don’t get food, it’s cheaper and she gets drunker on an empty stomach 
  2. go to a dive bar or sports bar not a trendy bar, so she compares you to bums not attractive rich guys 
  3. always be in view of a TV incase she is boring 
  4. don’t drink hard liquor stick to a light beer so you avoid whiskey dick 
  5. put on something scary to watch so she will want to get close to you and stay

Looking back he followed this formula exactly. Watching the primary debate now seems strategic here since the only thing scarier to me than Trump running our country is the fact that this technique actually works on women!

So now you must be wondering, was there a second date? You’ll never know. 

—–
From a slightly more professional context- here is also a blog I published about what I learned from this experience that applied to my sales career:
And also an article I think you’ll find interesting if you are a fan of the Bachelor, also from a more professional context:

**Guest Post by Kelli Lampkin**

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