Expectations — and how to not have any

That may sound depressing, but after playing this game for the past 10 months, I know how it goes. And this is it:

Dating in every different area code around the world can be fun, exciting, challenging, weird, and sometimes very tough. Especially when you find those few people who you have a connection with, only to realize that either you’re moving to a new city or they’re only passing through.

I’ve thought about this countless times, struggling with the questions of “Will we keep in touch? Will I ever see him again? Will he forget about me? Will I forget about him?” Staying in touch with my friends and family has been tough enough this year, and the thought of trying to maintain any kind of relationship with someone I’ve met along the road seems like a tough ask.

Of course there are some guys who are fun to meet for a few drinks, but it’s mutually understood that there’s nothing more than that. And then there are a few others that have made me wonder if things would be different if we were both actually living in the same city instead of travelers meeting by chance. Would there still be a connection if the excitement of a being in an exotic city, on a new continent, with words spoken in a different language weren’t there? Would we still be drawn together?

I guess there’s no real way to find out, but it does leave my thoughts wandering at 5am. Down the deep path of pondering every interaction and possible missed connection that I’ve had this year.

The past two weeks that I’ve been living in Thailand have been some of the best of the year. I’m so happy here, the weather is amazing, the food is yummy and life here is cheap. I’ve also met two guys who have made me even more confused about expectations and what this year is about and who I’ve become and who I’ll be in the future and what I want to do and where I want to go. Two people who I never would have met otherwise, and now I’m left to wonder if I will ever see them again? And would I want to see them again? Or do I just leave these experiences as amazing memories to look back on?

I have a few too many thoughts to even process at the moment before I can type out the most recent stories (which are very good btw). But now I’m not even sure if I want to write about them, because I’m confused about what my expectations are, what theirs are, and what will become of any of it. I think the lack of sleep is getting to me a bit, making me think, overthink, and then not think.

I never thought I’d say this but I think I need to press “pause” on swiping for a little bit until I figure a few things for myself…

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